i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
he told me I talked like a deaf person
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
