my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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