new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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