You were right. It hurts to walk today.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
