God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
