wakey wakey hands off snakey
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
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