dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
