News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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