The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
