I am puke
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
