The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
