What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Randomize
