i will never coherently bang her
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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