There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Randomize
