last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
