I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
