My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Randomize
