I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
