he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
