I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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