Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
