Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
