He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
