I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
this just has baby written all over it
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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