I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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