I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
