My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
