just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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