There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
