I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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