dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
