I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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