I am in a vortex of obligation.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
