Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
