lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
