I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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