Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
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