it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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