oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
