please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
