mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Your cock deserves a montage
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
