Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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