Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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