I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
