The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
