you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
