My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
