apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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