somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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