I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
