and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
